Health Homework (43) Resolving conflict, ending relationships, firing employees, breaking-up... and moving on to a better life

I am sure this will be followed by other articles/installments on these same themes.

I have to fire a bad attorney

As you know from the end of my video yesterday, I’m in the process of firing one of my attorneys because he’s consistently failed to perform a relatively basic task for me over the past 2-3 years—all the while he is notably arrogant, and he keeps charging me for his mistakes. As you also know, I tend to overthink most things, so tonight I created an algorithm, most notably for the purpose of helping me resist my desire to “tell him off” (plus his staff, which never seem to help other than by complicating things and covering for their boss).

Thanks to my friend Susan, I learned to focus on the goal—freedom

My best friend in naturopathic medical school (Bastyr University, Seattle Washington) was Susan, and at some point I was apparently about to get into a scuffle with some teachers/admin about something or other. Susan basically reeled me back in and said, “What is the goal?” The goal was to graduate from school and move on—the goal was NOT to 1) speak my mind, 2) show them how I felt, 3) make them change their evil ways, 4) have them receive my feedback and then thank me for it. The goal was to graduate from school and move on.

The more sensitive you are, the more time you give to these events and the more exhausting the process is. The best approach to this particular problem (of being too sensitive and thoughtful) is to put a time limit on your exit.

If you’re an HSP, then you know what I am taking about.

• If you don’t know and don’t care, then you’re not an HSP.

• If you think these issues are small/easy/irrelevant, then you’re not an HSP.

The best approach for highly-sensitive people (HSP)¹ is to put a time-limit on these events, because by your very nature of being HSP you’ve already overthought it and you’ve been overly considerate of their feelings. This process will last for eternity unless you enforce a limit.

Here is an easy way to do it that I have used:

1. I schedule some event or meeting for the late morning such that I have to leave the house and I have to disconnect from phones and computers by a clear deadline on the clock.

2. Determine the amount of time I am willing to give this process, generally 30 minutes maximum.

3. Allow for that time limit to get it done, and then plan to leave on time.

4. If I get it done on schedule then I get to enjoy my morning meeting, brunch, coffee, exercise or whatever it is.

   1. In my case, tomorrow I am going to look at some antiques and meet some people for lunch, so that is my reward for taking care of this efficiently.

5. If I am late with it or drag it out, then I am getting uncomfortable feedback each and every minute because now the process is eating into my time for travel, meeting, brunch, coffee, exercise, browsing for antiques, etc.

We have to put limits on these uncomfortable and cumbersome and delicate tasks in order to protect our time-energy and allow ourselves to focus on bigger projects, namely using that same mental energy and time to make our own lives better.

And so it remains: Your goal and my goal in any “breakup” should be a clean exit without any “emotional residue” or “bitter aftertaste”—just close that chapter, save your energy and mental resources, and move on to a better life.

1. MOVE ON: If you’re looking for some type of “revenge” then that is your problem and you need to focus on your life and making your own life better (true empowerment) rather than hurting the other person (sadism).

   1. “But thus I counsel you, my friends: Mistrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful. They are people of a low sort and stock…” Friedrich Nietzsche

2. MOVE ON: If you think you’re going to “teach them a lesson” then you’re 1) probably wrong and 2) certainly wasting your time. You are wrong about “teaching them a lesson” because if they were smart enough to learn the lesson then then would have already figured it out, in most cases. Furthermore and more scientifically, as I have discussed previously with regard to Dunning-Kruger, people who are dumb and incompetent actually become more defensive and incompetent when they are given corrective feedback; as such, the probability is high that any attempt on your part to “teach them a lesson” is going to BACKFIRE and only make them more resistant and defensive—so don’t waste your time making things worse in the real world. Another thing, is that 3) many times when we are simultaneously “separating from someone” and at the same time “trying to teach them a lesson” what we are really doing is trying to give them another chance to change and so we are leaving the door/option open for them to make changes and repair the relationship. This is nearly always a failed strategy and merely keeps both people in a miserable dynamic of emotional-sentimental quicksand. Once you realize your strength, once you realize that you are the boss/director/king/queen of your life then you can make the decision to end relationships that are not up to your standards; you don’t ask for permission and you don’t waste time giving a million+one “second chances.”

3. MOVE ON: It’s called a break up because it is already broken.²

4. MOVE ON ALREADY: “We grow from our commitments but we also suffer from them. … The goal of a FUCKIT LIST is to realize that maybe we’re dragging around an improperly-chosen emotional tombstone that we need to shrug off.

1) Think about it. 2) Put a time limit on it. 3) Listen to songs about it—linked from my previous “fvckit list.” But most importantly, 4) GET IT DONE and move on to using your time and energy and money for creating a better life for yourself for your own enjoyment and for the benefit of those around you.

PDF of this image contains some fun surprises!

Algorithmic Procedure For Telling Someone To Fvckoff

3.16MB ∙ PDF file

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1. https://hsperson.com/

2. https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/10811/its-called-a-breakup-because-its-broken-by-greg-behrendt-and-amiira-ruotola-behrendt/